Mother's Day 2016

It has been so long since I updated this but I feel the need to record this.

Mother's Day

For many years this was the worst day of the year!! I mean so many tears, anger, feelings of failure, thoughts of no self value or place in church on this day. Who was I? I was NOT a mom!! I was never going to be a mom! I longed to have a child and be a mom. I had tried and failed many times. It was easier to stay home then be reminded of the pain it caused me. I thought maybe my faith was not strong enough or maybe I had not prayed enough. Was I broken? Yes, I had issues. I worked on ways to heal my broken heart and spirit regarding never being a mom. We looked into adoption but that was not going to happen with Phillip's Autism and our income. The medicine never NEVER never worked. I was told to have a hysterectomy then lost my insurance before and it had to be canceled.

Fast Forward: 2016

We have 2 count them 2 girls!!!! (and one angel baby)
I will do a separate post about Athena's arrival and her time in the nicu at a later date.

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. I was sick and so were the girls. We did not make it to church. BUT this time it was not out of fear or pain. I was not dreading going to church. I had my miracle babies. I was also grateful to know this would be my family and that I would be ok. I would not have to leave in tears or have a complete breakdown. How could this be? How can I be a mom? I am surprised every day. So after Anna was born Mother's Day was better. I was thankful. Then the next Mother's Day I was a total mess with just having had a miscarriage. And last year I was pregnant with Athena and very very sick. I really just tried not to think about it. This year I thought about it a lot. I was going to be ok during church. Then we got sick. I am sure Heavenly Father might have laughed a little.

I had some time to think about the importance of Mother's Day. The pain was gone for me!!! Then I remembered my friends that were experiencing sadness and pain. I said a prayer and lifted their names up. I wanted to always remember the pain so I could be a better friend. It is fading away for me. How blessed I am. So many prayers answered with my girls. I was able to be healed. I was well on my way long before I had Anna. I thought the plan for my life was just to be a wife, aunt, teacher, friend, and babysitter. I decided to do my best at those! I was still a child of God. Any anxiousness I felt this year was for others. I was not prepared for this. I was surprised. I was given two of the best gifts ever and they call me/will call me mommy. Was it worth all the pain from my past, yes!!! YES IT IS WORTH IT!!! IT WAS SO HARD!

I will be trying to soak up all the time I can with my girls. I prayed for this. I don't want to ever get too busy and forget my miracles.  

I AM A MOM!!

My lifelong journey.

OK so it has been a long time since I wrote and I am sorry. Life has just been so crazy for me. 

So current weight is 350, yes! 350 I see it over and over each day I get on the scale. 

I have been having some health issues and I am no longer able to exercise per doctors orders, which sucks. We are trying to save/find enough money to get the cardiac evaluation and stress test done. I have had two doctors tell me that if I want to improve my health I am going to need help. I will not be able to do this on my own and they suggested I file for disability so I can get the needed medical attention I stand in need of. The main thing going on is I need to be on oxygen when I sleep or exercise and these nasty migraines. YES! Migraines they just massive and in October one put me in the hospital for 6 days. I had a headache more days than not in October.  There are a few other things but those are the main ones bugging me right now. I am used to the everyday pain of my Fibromyalgia after dealing with it for the last 15 years.

So I am working on my food addiction and will be returning to the addiction recovery group meeting starting this Friday. I am really excited to go back. I have not been since Anna was just a few weeks old. I have also given up my caffeine diet sodas so not only will I be continuing to work on my food addiction but will be working on the caffeine DIET soda addiction as well.

I am trying not to over eat and eat more healthy. It seems I will be fighting this my entire life. Little by little. 

I sucked every calorie possible out of this apple!

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4 you're too FAT to be normal!

Really? I am so tired of people thinking that just because I am fat that I must be lazy. I am too fat to be a good mom, babysitter, and even a human being! Why must others judge "out loud" (Facebook, email, text) like I don't even have feelings.

I was in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade when we lived in Chicago and I wanted my own paper route. My mom had to sign a special paper so I would be allowed to do this(youngest kid ever). I went in ice, snow, and hot summers too. At 14 I got a job at the BBQ restaurant just up the street from where we lived so I could walk to and from work. Then at 16 when I could drive I got a job at a pizza place further away because it paid more. I have always had a job and I have always worked hard and tried to do my very best.

So for someone to say to me that I can't be hungry or poor because I am fat really upsets me. I worked until I had a high risk pregnancy and I worked most of that time. Then spent over a month in the hospital. This was not planned. We have been told for years we would not be able to have children. We were given a miracle and I would never ever change that.  So when you start to insult people without knowing the facts based on me being fat maybe you should 1st stop and say I wonder how Heavenly Father sees that person. Maybe they have been ill, maybe that have a eating disorder, maybe they are poor and are living off Ramen Noodles which are very high in fat.

This holiday season and everyday after we all should look at each other differently. Yes it was hard to find a job after having Anna. Do I wish I never had her, NEVER! She has been the best thing ever. Do I wish we could live without food stamps? Yes, but right now that is how we are eating. Will this last forever, no. This is not my long term goal. But for anyone to say I am on food stamps because I am fat and lazy well they just don't know me. It is hard to find a job right after having a baby and then also having a husband who has Aspergers which is a form of Autism who sometimes has panic attacks and gets afraid when he is alone. We are doing what we can. I applied to over 200 jobs. I was told more than once I was too fat to be a good nanny. I am working now, but it is no where enough to cover our modest bills. Yes, I do have an iPhone but it is old and my last job paid half of it for me after their child put my old phone in the toilet. We don't even have phone service on it.

Things are not always what they seem.

Let's ALL work on seeing others differently.

Scale of fear.

The thing I am most afraid of in my home is my scale. So why do I insist on getting on at least once a day?

Well this is why. I was told to stop weighing myself when I had a visit to the doctor(I was up 6 pounds at this point after losing ALL my baby weight) and he asked me how many times I weigh myself and I said at least once and sometimes 3 or 4. He talked to me about being obsessed with my weight and he said it was not good for my mental health. We went on to talk about the foods I was eating and he gave me a plan and this plan included some medicine to help me be in better control of what I eat.

Well fast forward about a month and the next time I got my scale out it said 350 when I stepped on it. UGH!

I NEED MY SCALE! Who cares if I get on it everyday???? If the scale ends up being my friend in place of cakes, cookies, pies, doughnuts, and anything else you can think of what does that hurt? So should I keep being fearful of my scale I say, " NO WAY" I have a very long way to go before I think it could become dangerous.

New Favorite Food

Greek Salad.

It is always so expensive to order in a restaurant and I miss my
cucumbers. So I have been making my own and thanks the Publix BOGO on
salad mix and fat free feta it has been very affordable too! I also
found this low calorie dressing that taste yummy.

Total calories in my salad: 181
2 cups lettuce, 5 grape tomatoes, 1 cup cucumber, 8 large olives, 1 oz
fat free feta, and 2 Tbs dressing

Trying My Fitness Pal

I really love Weight Watchers but with no income that is just an unrealistic dream. So awhile back my friends told me about My Fitness Pal so I tried it this week. It is free and works a lot like Weight Watchers but works with calories and not points. So far I have found it easy to use.

*Before I got pregnant I had lost from 375 pounds down to 330. (less than when I got married)
*The day I had Anna I weighed 352.
*At my 6 week check up I was back down to 330. I was so excited!
*Last week I was back up to 350 :( "Really I worked really hard to loose that baby weight only to gain it back, ugh!"
*This week when I started My Fitness Pal I was at 345. (in the morning, because if I weigh at night it is always more)

I have so much to live for and I know the changes I need to make. I have failed many times at loosing weight. So you would think I would be a pro now? NOT, it is H*A*R*D every single day sometimes every minute. Even this week when the calorie counter was down to a big fat 0 I was thinking I was still hungry.

The main lesson I have learned this week and that is new to me, is...I WILL BE HUNGRY! Being hungry for me is not something I feel in my tummy like most people. I feel it in my mind. Really, I promise I can be full and see a commercial on TV for something, anything it can be peanut butter and  my mind is like ooohhh that sounds good go get some. So I am going to be hungry on my journey. Not hungry as in my body needs something to live and be strong and healthy but hungry as in what my mind thinks it needs. Working on it...