"it's not what you eat but what's eating you"

So I heard this quote today and started to think about it. What is eating me? Well right now the biggest thing eating me is having to move but at least I am getting pretty good at packing! Also, I am scared I will no longer be able to afford going to Weight Watchers when we have to move. Interesting enough at 1st I thought well I will just try it for a month and see how it goes. I had done Weight Watchers before many times and after a few weeks the newness and motivation ends and I stop going. This time I fell in love with the program and I also fell in love with myself. I am not sure why I find it easier to not give up on others but easy to give up on myself. I love points and the new program where fruits and veggies cost me zero points! I am worth not giving up on!

I am not sure when we will have to move or even where. This is so not easy for me. I like to plan ahead, way ahead. In the past I turned to food. I wonder why I think/thought food could help? What can food do? So I am learning why I need to eat and how much. It was said to me that Weight Watchers is making me OCD about food and points but I see it as a way to control and be accountable. Not counting points and eating freely got me to over 350 pounds!!!!! So at times when I am thinking" if I just had___________ (you fill in the blank), ice cream, candy, soda I would feel better. I know that is a BIG FAT LIE if I am hungry food can help. But can food really make me feel better? Why am I feeling bad, mad, happy, or sad? I understand that I have for many years been able to come up with any reason to over eat. No more excuses.

Looking forward to 2012

I am so ready to say goodbye to 2011!!!!! So long, goodbye, and adios. This past year has been so long I am just going to count some of my blessings.

• We were blessed by living here in this house and not having to move in 2011.
• Phillip was even able to work part of this year.
• My brother moved closer.
• We enjoyed Thanksgiving here in our home.
• Christmas we were all together at my sisters. Mom, Dad, Me and Phillip, Liz and her kids(Austin and Ainsley), James and Holly and Trip, and even Granny Sain.
• I was blessed to continue with Ty and Addie.
• I started this weight loss journey and I began to find my self.
• My mom tests were negative for cancer.
• I enjoyed time with friends.
• I found out I can do more than I thought I could at the gym.
• I fell more in love with my husband Phillip.
• I learned that I am still important to God even if I can't have children. Not having children does not make me any less a daughter of God. It also does not make me childless. I have many children in my life who love me and they are such blessings to me. I am thankful for my family and friends who let me share their blessings with me.

Bicycle Hunt

Ok!!!! I give up. Why does a bike for someone my size have to cost so dang much?? I want to get a cute bike that is comfortable enough I can ride it more than 5 minutes. It also needs to be able to hold my weight of around 340. And because of the hills we have around here I am guessing I need at least a 3 gear bike. I want to be able to ride a bike down the street to the store and back. I also hear it is fun to ride for exercise. I fear by the time I can afford one it will be summer again and it will be too hot to ride. I have been looking with not much luck. So I am putting this out there, any ideas? I think the adult trikes are pretty cool too! I found this one: http://bicyclesouth.com/product/12raleigh-womens-detour-2.5-154365-1.htm

It is cheap to get fat and expensive to get fit!!!!!

Current length of my hair!

This is the longest my hair has been in a very long time. I read on
average your hair grows half an inch a month. We will see how long it
is at 100 pounds lost! It takes forever to dry at this length.

Christmas, Death, and an ER visit!!

Phillip and I took an Amtrak Train home to NC for Christmas weekend. Phillip loves trains and now so do I! There was so much room in our seats and they even have leg rests. I was so good on the train with my eating I had a sandwich and an apple. I was smart I planned what I wanted and sent Phillip so I would not be tempted by the cookies, cake, and chips. I have a great sister who waited for us at the train station till after midnight to give a ride to mom's house.

How did I do? I did it!!!!! I planned it out I knew what foods I wanted and how many Weight Watchers points it would cost me. I ate everything I wanted but just not as much as I would before. So instead of 6 deviled eggs I ate 2. I am learning I am only person who is going to stop me from my addiction with food. I have also learned that I must track all the food I eat, always. This is not an option for me. When I am not accountable I loose control BIG TIME. I am sorry if those people around do not understand. Being addicted to food has one thing different from smoking, drinking, and drugs. With those you can go without completely but with food I still have to eat! Everyday I have to decided not to give into my addiction yet still eat. I am sure I will fail some days but I will not give up. So if I offend you because I am tracking my points or I say no thank you to some yummy food I know you have fixed in love, I am truly sorry.

And with all major events happening on holidays in our life together Christmas Eve brought us some sad news. Phillip's aunt passed away. We were at a candlelight church service when he got the call. We are very sad and uncertain of our future. We have been so blessed for almost 2 years of having a home to live in. We had to do a lot of work to make it even livable but we labored in love. We are heartbroken we will have to leave this home we have fallen in love with. We do know if it is God's will he will provide for us.

Today I had to go to the ER. I was there all morning and afternoon. They gave me some medicine and I have to follow up with Gynecological doctor in about a month and then schedule a biopsy. Thinking about Dr.'s I am prayerful for my mother today as tomorrow she will find out the results of her last test we pray they negative for cancer.

***UPDATE*** Mom's test results turned out great. Negative for cancer!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week I gained 4 pounds, this week I will NOT gain. With all this going on it would be easier just to throw in the towel, quit, and eat everything. I am choosing to log my points and be in control of what I eat. I can not control the future but I can control my food. I know my strength comes from Jesus Christ and He knows my pain and He knows me.

***UPDATE***Weighed in and lost a total of 6 pounds this week!!!!!!!

Time to dust off and try again! Tomorrow is a new day:)

Big bad blown it day! The dirty truth.

Ok the day started out ok. My two boiled eggs and cheese stick for breakfast. I forgot to pack a lunch for today and ended up at Chick-fil-a, I got a 7point grilled chicken sandwich (not so bad) I passed on the fries and also got diet lemonade. So it happened around 2, Nuttter butter cookies, I counted the points 7! Ok, it was all downhill from there. I could not get full. I got home and had a 6 inch 8 point sub from subway and baked chips still fighting feeling hungry. I wrapped a few presents and fell asleep. An hour and half passed away. When I woke up the binge started. Weight watchers pop chips, an egg, weight watchers candy bar, 2 pudding cups and like half a pound cake!!!!!! I have been craving protein at night before bed all week and tonight it was carbs.

Lesson when I forget to plan, I plan to fail!!!!

I forgot to plan my day! I did not plan our meals for the week’s dinners. I thought because we were going out of town and I had been doing so good we would just wing things this week. Yeah that did not work so well. I am missing my frozen grapes, fresh blackberries, and bananas.

No excuses, this time!

I can sit here and come up with at least ten reasons why my eating actions are excusable but they would ALL be lies. Lies to myself. I will prepare myself for a weight gain tomorrow and take reasonability for my crime against my body.

Nails, Shoes and Music

Weigh in~ this week I lost 2.2 pounds!!!!!!! This week I had to come home hold 1 pound of butter and one pound of ham so I could see and feel what an accomplishment it truly was. My reward was getting my nails done. They are blue. Showing my support for https://www.facebook.com/BlueHeelSociety.

Shoes~ I also needed some gym shoes that did not make my feet hurt so much. After 2 hours in the store the one pair that felt the best just happened to have blue heels!!!!! I was so excited. I am not one for socks and shoes I am a true Croc's girl, 100% so I am having to get used to wearing socks and shoes again. Really socks and shoes and long hair, ugh. I am so doing more exercise this next week! I can no longer say I have bad shoes.

Tonight~ my wonderful husband took me on a great date night to a lovely Christmas program. They had 4 Grand Pianos and they were being played together. The choir sounded beautiful. I really enjoyed it. I can say I am blessed living in the south and especially here in Atlanta there are so many marvelous Christians celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. It is not about the presents and food. Tonight I was reminded again of this fact. It is about the birth. I had a perfect night with Phillip.